remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Im part way to drunk.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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