now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
