i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
