guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
