ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Randomize
