I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
