I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
