dude i'm inner monologue high
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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