I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
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