I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
