M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
