fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
