Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
