just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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