He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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