I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
