Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
