I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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