wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
