Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
