Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
there was a trapeze. enough said
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
