Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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