Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
