I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
