Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
