if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
