the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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