Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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