Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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