I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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