got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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