i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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