How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
