The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
These tits shall not be calmed
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
