i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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