I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
