When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
