how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
