I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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