yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
