Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
