There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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