I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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