New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
