haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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