Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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