The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
