Banned from zoo.
Again?
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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