you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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