so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
