The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
